(todd with foster kitten in my room, 2006)

i am broke and i am leaving for chicago tomorrow with karina. i asked my job to send me my paycheck in the same email where i told them i wouldn't be coming back to work until january 18. i'm totally getting fired, oh well.

i've never been really self conscious about this before, but in recent years it has been pointed out that i talk out of the side of my mouth. i always sort of knew i did that, but didn't really see it as a problem (probably cause i don't actually watch myself talk). but the more and more i think about it, the more i think something is wrong with me.

i want to write a letter to everyone i know telling them how i feel. my problem is that i'm hung up on far too many insignificant things. i'm indecisive. i don't let things go. i pretend feelings that aren't there still exist. what am i supposed to do? everyone tells me i'm better off now. without him, living in new york. i think everyone just thinks my life is glamorous or something. maybe they're right, maybe it would be wrong for me to move backwards. maybe all i really want is for an attractive man to wrap me in tin foil in his car. i think that's the answer to my problems.

i'm not like that.

so i'm 75% positive i'm taking a leave of absence from nyu and coming to live in bloomington fall '09 for a semester.

i can't sleep. my thoughts are taking over my brain.

life is hard, man.

there's no place like home

photos from christmas party (on monday)

i took my last final this morning at 8am

tomorrow my flight for indiana leaves at 9am

i'm ready to get out of here for a while

yay!

i'm okay,,,,,,,,,,

are you?

i am past the point of feeling overwhelmed. now i'm just pretending my problems don't exist. i don't know if that's better or worse.

i hear people talking in the other room. i so badly want to be part of their conversation but for some reason, i feel like i can't go in there.

thanksgiving break wasn't long enough.

i hope one day i will be as cool as all of these women.

thanksgiving was good. i watched "stop making sense" with my mom and ate turkey for the first time in 6 years. tomorrow i will hopefully be reunited with some more old friends. being here is making it even harder to decide what i am going to do next year.

i go home tomorrow morning.

i want to see him and i want him to see me and feel upset and i want to feel upset and i want us to feel upset together and talk about it. but really, is there anything more to talk about? i think i'm the only one hung up on this.

it's not a good idea.

considering everything.

but i am not one for being sensible.

some songs that remind me of the cold times ahead. download it here.


1. el perro del mar - "here comes that feeling"
2. herman dune - "when the water gets cold and freezes on the lake"
3. paul baribeau - "christmas lights"
4. nedelle - "the natural night"
5. julie doiron - "will you still love me in december?"
6. beat happening - "christmas"
7. my brightest diamond - "the robin's jar"
8. one of the boys - "things happen in the winter, pt. 1"
9. pixies - "winterlong"
10. jens lekman - "the cold swedish winter"
11. the microphones - "i want to be cold"
12. the horns of happiness - "white snow"
13. lovers - "frozen floods"
14. saturday looks good to me - "last night i fell asleep on your floor"
15. yeah yeah yeahs - "cold night"
16. pavement - "summer babe (winter version)"
17. final fantasy - "arctic circle"
18. songs: ohia - "peoria lunch box blues"
19. devics - "song for a sleeping girl"
20. the arcade fire - "in the backseat"

i am holed up in my room. charlotte has some dancers over and i don't want to wander into the living room and scare them away in my disheveled and sleepy state. i would really like a cigarette though. it is so tempting just to light one up in here. very uneventful weekend. i leave for bloomington wednesday morning. i can't wait to go back home, even if just for a little bit. i think i'll be home for all of christmas break as well. hopefully this christmas break will be better than the last. 

the photos are old. probably from around fall of my senior year in high school. i just recently scanned them. i thought they'd be appropriate since i am seeing all of these folks very very soon.